Grim-visaged war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front;

[grimvisaged]

The hotel, he finds, is home to an inordinate number of mirrors. This was not something he had taken particular note of before unless it helped in surveillance, but now they seem inescapable, tacked upon every wall and rising up to assault him around every corner. He has changed, and now he cannot get away from himself.

It is not Barnes nor the Winter Soldier who stares back at him now, but a grim and sleek hybrid, the place where light and dark meet. He has no opinion on his newly-clipped hair, apart from acknowledging that the style is sufficiently enough removed from both of the people he used to be. Falling in a dark sheet to skim his freshly-shaved cheeks, it would make him look like a wayward college student were it not for the hard line of his mouth which serves as accompaniment.

There's an odd sort of freedom which comes with looking different, however—A feeling of having firmly planted his flag in a place of his own choosing, of asserting that he need not be one or the other. This third option is a buoy, a brace, and it pulls him away from his reflection to find Rogers again.

He's stopped looking for Barnes, but he cannot stay away from the man who was his best friend. The thread which connects them is an invisible but unrelenting tug at his heart.

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[captain_rogers]

The room he had left behind him once before, that day two years ago he had left the Nexus by mistake and found himself dumped back into the strange modern world he had left behind, was not the same he had walked into upon his return. He had expected that it would be, of course, but as ever expectation had been unsteady in the face of reality (however it might be described when set within a world with doors that led to other dimensions of life and of thought, where not even his identity was certain on the other side of a doorway).

It was at once both like and unlike the apartment he had made for himself and abandoned (after a string of gunfire and a man dying across his boots and in his hands, the fact remained, although he left it unspoken). His bed was still tucked tight enough to be able to bounce a quarter off its sheets, his clothes and shoes carefully put away (his uniform at the back of the closet but still well within easy reach - his stash of files hidden in a space beneath the floorboards just beneath his bed). But the proof of who he was was scattered in pieces throughout the wide open room, the curtains thrown back from the wide window to allow sunlight to stream in.

His shield leant against the wall just behind the door. His jacket left thrown across the back of a chair at the desk with its neat stack of notebooks and few loose sheets of sketches left scattered in exact contradiction to the care taken in aligning the covers of the notebooks and the set of pastels in their case in right angles to the edges of the desk.

It was with care that he did not look back at Barnes standing in his room, half-certain the other man might spook if he moved too fast or paid too much attention to him when he should be retrieving the memories he'd offered to share, captured in paper and cheap pencil. He moved toward the desk, but bent to pull open one of the drawers to pull out a small stack of battered notebooks (cheaper and far more worn than the few on top of the desk). He sorted through them for a second as he straightened before he turned back, holding one out to the man who had been the lynchpin of his whole world for so much of his life. "Here," he offered, lips kicking up into a hint of an encouraging expression.

[grimvisaged]

This is what he'd been so desperate to see, and yet in that critical, wavering moment there is undeniable terror, too, as he reaches mechanically for the proffered notebook and forces himself to open the cover with surprising gentleness. The fear he has carried for some time now, although only recently did he begin to understand what it was. He's not unaware of the irony that he had for so long been regarded as a ghost, when now he is afraid of perpetually falling short of one.

The sketches inside begin innocuously enough, although the affection for the subject matter is obvious even to someone like himself. Cityscapes and the people within them, in lines at once confident and delicate. It doesn't take long to get to Barnes, however, the likeness so obvious that, rendered with those loving lines, it makes his head spin.

Abruptly, he wants to apologize, despite logically knowing that the loss of Rogers' best friend wasn't by his own design.

"You drew him a lot," he quietly says instead, not sure how to articulate how all of this makes him feel.

[captain_rogers]

In those early days out of the ice, where the world had been made of razor-edges and every breath, every action had felt as if it had left him bleeding, he had not understood enough of the mythos that had been left behind him to be grateful his sketchbooks had been saved. He had clung to them even as he had refused to turn the pages that held so much of his memory, the thought of finding the faces of those he had lost in the shape of his own hand in graphite or pen had left him too nauseous to have been able to do more than hoard them among his things.

Only in seeing the exhibit at the Smithsonian had he truly appreciated what had been done in keeping them out of the public's hands. There was agony enough in seeing the display of uniforms of the Howling Commandos. In seeing the image of himself before the procedure, gaunt and deathly, beside one taken when he had stood taller, broader. Watching a movie of Peggy's voice and Peggy's face as she described him to strangers but held so much of what they had been (or nearly been) in her eyes and out of her words had broken his heart enough. He could not have stood the invasion of his privacy it would have been to see his private sketches laid out for the world to see right along with his medical file and service record.

It is not nothing to offer the notebook out to Barnes.

It is everything.

As much of a struggle as it was to do so, Steve held himself silent and allowed the other man to look through the pages without interference or opinion. He kept his expression not blank, but without judgement, ever hesitant to push too hard and risk Barnes fleeing from him again. "I'd known him since we were just kids," he said, trying to find the words to convey something of the life they had lived without weighing it down with all the emotion and the memory those who had taken Bucky from him had tried to erase. "He didn't make the best model," the joke was a light one, but one that felt important somehow. "Never could hold still long enough. Refused to let me make him 'too serious.'"

[grimvisaged]

The few exchanges he's had with Rogers have all been surreal, but this may be the most dreamlike of all, the two of them discussing Barnes as a third party while the images being described look exactly like the man holding the sketchbook, apart from the smile. There is a gulf of distance in that easy curve of lips.

Rogers' assertion he can easily believe; Barnes was always smiling. He himself,

(arm slung across skinny shoulders, head thrown back, laughing at the blue blue sky above sharp-edged buildings)

he cannot remember ever having smiled.

Gently, he flips another page. Barnes could never hold still, and yet Rogers sketched more of him than anything else.

Sometimes, he feels Barnes' legacy so acutely he thinks he could actually be physically bowed by it, as if it were a tangible weight upon his otherwise strong shoulders. There are things which he remembers and things which he knows, and he will never be able to live up to that legacy, not for as long as he lives. When he realized that he wanted to, it surprised him a little.

Closing the book, he carefully passes it back with a nod.

[captain_rogers]

Steve remembered the scribbles of stick figures throughout Bucky's notebooks while they had still been studying in art school together, of his insistence that they were high art all without losing the grin on his face or the air of suggestion that had colored his scribbles each time they had gotten a seat in classes sketching or painting from live models. Just as he remembered the other man's insistence that no, Steve Rogers was going to be the best thing since Picasso and anyone who didn't see that was blind. Or how he'd tell girls exactly that in what little Steve had overheard of his buddy's habit of talking him up to girls who hadn't given him a second look once they'd been presented with him live and in the flesh.

It was hard not to remember how easy it had always been between them, even when they'd been quarreling over one thing or another (usually over how Steve himself threw himself into the fray before thinking). Not when he stood facing a man who was equal parts his best friend and someone else entirely. Not when he could remember so well who it had been who had insisted on scrounging him up soup from somewhere on those long, bitter winters when Steve had doubted in some moments that he'd make it through.

Bucky had never given up on him, and he would not, could not give up on Barnes.

He wanted to ask what the other man thought when he was handed back the notebook, but felt frozen, half-buckled under the weight of wanting to keep from pushing too hard and scaring the man off. As he wanted to apologize for what he was sure was his part in what had happened to his brother in all but blood, but bit his tongue hard to keep the words at bay.

Instead he chose a line of conversation one more neutral, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be hungry, would you? Because I could use a bite."

[grimvisaged]

It's a normal sort of suggestion; this he understands. Natasha suggests the same to him as well, some innate human pull toward the common ritual of sustenance when commonalities are so difficult to find. What Rogers is after is clear enough in the hopeful sheen of his eyes: More time, always more time, and some small thing to share, to build upon.

When he eats, it is cursory and alone. It isn't that he doesn't understand the enjoyment of food, but that he's never had the room for it before now. The cafe or bar, he can at least assent, are less volatile spaces than the close walls of Rogers' room.

And he supposes that perhaps he wants a little more time, too.

"Sure," he replies, more gruffly than he intends, perpetually unsteadied around this man.